At various stages in life we make choices, whether consciously or unconsciously, to learn, grow and expand who we at the very heart of our being. With learning and growth being the main purpose of intimate relationships, no wonder people have a strong desire and need to create lasting, loving and heart-connected intimate relationships.
One of the areas where the biggest growth and transformation can be found, personally and spiritually, is with our partners, lovers and spouses through sacred intimacy. Sacred intimacy is about creating a safe, loving and supportive environment where both you and your partner are able to allow, accept, release and transform any fears, limiting beliefs or self-sabotage patterns which may be holding you back from being the most loving person you can be.
If sacred intimacy is lacking within your relationship, there may be a need for you or your partner to examine any unresolved issues around shame and guilt, linked to physical, mental, emotional or sexual trauma, so that they can be healed and transformed:
Shame is a stuck fear-based energy connected to humiliation, embarrassment, betrayal or broken trust, disapproval or rejection, criticism, cruel teasing and ridicule, withdrawal and abandonment, expectations and high standards, harsh physical discipline or punishment, sexual abuse, morally inappropriate behaviour, excess worry about what others think and being looked down on and considered different. This can obviously have a significant impact on your relationship as beliefs around being ‘unworthy’ and ‘unlovable’ can play out when feelings of shame are triggered resulting in behaviours to shut-down, withdraw and distance themselves in order to feel safe and protected or act out as a they experience intense painful emotions such as rage and anger.
Guilt, goes hand-in-hand with shame, is about the actions that are perceived to be undesirable, against or outside of societies values often expressed as regret and remorse. If triggered in your relationships, there may be unresolved feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, low self-esteem and fear of exposure resulting in actions to shrink, hide or get away from feelings because they are so excruciating that they want to avoid them at all costs.
If you find that shame and guilt is interfering with your ability to create sacred intimacy in your relationship, you can use this simple process to help you examine, heal and transform:
Observe your emotions
Recognise where the emotion is located in your body
Acknowledge and accept hidden feelings, verbalise if needed
Describe the original experience that caused the emotion, the person who triggered it and any possible reasons related to their own emotions
Accept these experiences as opportunities for learning and growth and forgive yourself and any others involve
Release and let go of any fear, limiting belief (‘unloved’, ‘unworthy’)
Focus on new more positive emotions
Choose alternative more empowering beliefs which help to more you forward (‘loveable’, ‘worthy’)
It is important to remember to seek appropriate help and support from a professional who is experienced in creating and holding space for you to identify, shift and transform any fears, limiting beliefs and patterns impacting your relationship where necessary.
Each person in the relationship must choose to be loving, caring and accepting of each other’s strengths and perceived weaknesses so you each feel safe and secure to let down your guards and trust is established and maintained while you open your hearts to the learning, growth and transformation that will occur as a result. To do this, it is important to make intimacy, connection and your relationship a priority, no matter what other issues, situations or experiences arise, by spending quality time together (minimum of 20 minutes per day), whether you have a date-night, give each other gifts, have heart based conversations, do fun activities together, express appreciation, giving encouragement, use direct eye contact, give each other kisses, massages and sexual pleasure. These allow you and your partner to get to know each other, what you both like so you can appeal to it resulting in you both feeling seen, heard and acknowledged and full of love which solidifies the relationship.
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