This morning as I sit here and connect to Spirit, I am being asked to share some insights and strategies for how you might be able to set and communicate healthy boundaries within your relationships, whether with a partner, family, friends, colleagues or clients.
Now before we get into some of the nitty gritty on this topic, it is important to understand what it is that we mean when we talk about boundaries. Essentially they are really about your personal guidelines around how you are prepared to be treated, what is acceptable and unacceptable, what you are willing to tolerate and what you are not willing to allow, what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed as well as a way to protect yourself again negatively and accept support, nurturing and love in your relationships. So essentially be creating, being aware of, communicating and maintaining healthy boundaries you are taking care of you, loving you, nurturing you and allowing yourself to be all of how you are while surrounding yourself with people who uplift you, support you and encourage you to be the best version of you possible, regardless of whether they agree with your decisions and choices in life.
Now we often become aware of our need for boundaries when someone in our life ‘triggers’ or ‘pushes’ our buttons, whether through hurtful comments, criticisms, blaming, put-downs, not honouring their word or agreements, being dishonest, disrespectful, dismissing your needs, wants and desires, lack of empathy or caring. It is important to become aware of and spend time witnessing what takes place for yourself when you are ‘triggered’, whether it negative thoughts, overwhelming emotions, sabotage behaviours you engage in as this will allow you to begin recognising the times when they have or are about to play out and you can begin taking steps to clearly communicate your boundaries and you can begin loosing the grip of this pattern. For example, if a family member ‘triggers’ your fear of abandonment, this may present itself as guilt, self-doubt, hurt, betrayal, control, frustration, judgement and rejection and if you are not conscious of that pattern can start to have an impact on your work, business, relationship, finances and health before you begin to realise that there is a need to address the issue by establishing boundaries of self-love.
Now, identifying the patterns and becoming aware of what it is that has been taking place, is the part where you may need to ask for some extra help and support, whether through a reading, healing or counselling session so that you can gain an outside and different perspective. Once you understand where it has been showing up and how it has been impacting in your life, you are ready to start addressing it and making different decisions by firstly communicating you boundaries! This may seem like a pretty scary thing to do for some of you to do, however, speaking up for yourself is a matter of being loyalty to your needs, wants and desires as well as one of the most empowering acts of self-love you can do. So how do you communicate your boundaries? One of the ways that Spirit asks me to share with you to communicate your new boundaries is through a 'Connection Contract' which outlines all of the things that keep you from being fully present with someone and result in you taking actions to protect yourself. Each of you will decide what needs to be included in you contract based on your new understandings, so here is an example of what you could say to the relevant person .....:
"I really want to connect with you and see you, if I hear criticism, blame, put-downs, not honouring your word or agreements, or if I am not being allowed to fully express who I am and all of my emotions, if I am not allowed to express all of my emotions and feelings or if my needs, wants and desires are dismissed, that will tell me that you are not in a space to be around me and I'll have to leave or won't be able to be in the same place with you. So it is really up to you whether I am able to communicate and connect with you or not"
This is really quite effective as it allows you to be very clear about the behaviours you will not tolerate, allows for behaviour to be predicted by outlining the consequences and what will happen if they engage in them places the responsibility on them to make choices which respect and honour you and your boundaries so that you are able to be present and connect with them.
Now, when communicating your boundaries with someone it is important that you do so in a way that allows for transparency, respect and love. If you feel you can sit with the person face-to-face and have this conversation, then you are encouraged to do so as it is an amazing opportunity for learning and growth for all involved. However, if you do not feel safe and secure to do so, then you may want to put this in writing which will allow each of you time to digest what is being communicated and requested as well as determine if they are able to be honoured and respected.
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