What an amazing and beautiful world we live in where we are surrounded by the freedom to make choices, to live, what to do for a living, who we spend our time and energy connecting with in relationships. All of these choices have the potential to allow us to feel happy or unhappy, loved or unloved, peaceful or in turmoil, healthy or unwell, rich or poor etc etc. When it comes to relationships we also have the opportunity to make choices about how, when and with who you are investing your time and energy.
If you are experiencing difficulties or challenges within your relationship and you are not feeling particularly happy, does this mean that you have made the wrong choice? Or is there an opportunity to take a deeper look and invest more time and energy in creating improvements in the relationship? Do you wonder if it is time to move on and find that spark with someone else? If you are asking yourself these questions, fantastic, it means that you are willing to reflect on where you are at today within your relationship and that you are interested in putting the time and energy into making a decision that fits and feels right for you, which is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your partner.
Firstly, I want you to know that all couples experience challenges or problems at some point within their relationship. It is normal, as the relationships you experience within your life time will be the place where you experience your greatest learning and growth. Secondly, while we are each have strengths and are perfect and beautiful exactly as we are, it is important to remember that you have imperfections and areas where there is room for improvement, your partner is no different. It is within your relationship where some of the imperfections may present themselves, however, this is where you are given the opportunity to choose whether you can deal with the flaws. Finally, relationships are by their very nature designed to meet your needs for love and intimacy. Knowing this it is important to ensure that you are able to make choices around whether your current relationship is fulfilling your needs, if it is fantastic, if not there is an opportunity to make some choices to bring about changes around what you are experiencing.
Where do you start in terms of making choices around whether or not to invest more time and energy into your relationship or whether it is time to move on? I would first suggest that you take some quiet time to connect with your heart, away from the distractions of your everyday life to allow yourself to get clear on where things are at. Then sit down, either individually or with your partner, reflect on the following:
Chemistry: Is the chemistry still there? Do you need time and energy for the spark to be re-ignited? Has the chemistry died along with the intimacy within the relationship? Is the physical touch & sexual intimacy missing? Do you need more romance, physical touch or intimate time to connect?
Communication: Do you feel as if you are able to express yourself within the relationship? Do you understand your primary style of communication and how you express love within your relationship? What style does your partner use to express their love for you? Is there time and space available for open honest conversations and to communicate with each other? When problems arise are you able to discuss them and identify possible solutions? Are you spending time communicating with yourself so that you are aware of your own needs? Can the communication within the relationship be improved?
Compromise: Are there fundamental differences in personalities, opinions and values about how to live life? Are you compromising your needs, wants & desires for your partners? Is there a healthy balance of giving and receiving within the relationship? Are you able to make decisions where there is a win win for each of you? Is there an opportunity to accept the problems that are presenting and live with them?
Commitment: Are you committed to working through any problems which arise together? Are you both committed to creating more intimacy within your relationship by communicating any concerns, needs, wants & desires? Is there a commitment to finding workable solutions which satisfy both parties? Are you both willing to make a commitment to consciously choose each other and improve the relationship every day? Have you committed to a date where you would like to see improvements or changes having taken place?
Change: Have the changes you committed to started to take place? Are you both putting the time and energy into creating the changes you seek? Did the solutions you agreed on result in positive outcomes? How are you contributing to the changes you are seeking in the relationship? Does nothing seem to be changing, regardless of how much time and energy invested? What time and energy are you investing in the change? Is it time to make a different choice? Are you honestly ready for change?
So, should you stay or should you go? This is a choice that I believe only you can make at the time that feels right for you. If you have put the time and energy into the relationship, attempted to create the changes that you are seeking and things are still not working, I would suggest that this is the time to start making a new choice which values and honours who you are as the beautiful loving being that you are.
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